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[tumang]

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[contorta]

( he puts mei to bed and gives her the teddy bear he's been carrying around since ganymede. he watches her sleep for minutes and he thinks he could have watched her sleep for hours. he goes to help amos with the other kids instead and it isn't until they're all asleep in various bunks that he lets himself consider the enormity of everything that happened.

he's got mei back. that's the most important thing. he's got mei back. but he can't pretend that it's the only thing that matters. the hybrids that were launched. mars, earth, the war. the belt. amos. almost shooting strickland and amos actually shooting strickland.

you're not that guy.

he finds himself in front of amos' bunk and then inside the room, in front of amos, reaching for amos, hands fisting in the material of amos' jumpsuit. he doesn't remember walking here, but here he is. quietly coming apart. shaking.

it's joy and it's adrenaline and it's fear and horror. it's all too much. )

[tumang]

[ Amos takes care of the kids because it's what he feels he should be doing. The others are busy, and these kids need to eat, need to be put to bed, need to be told they're okay. He'd tell them they're on their way back to their families, if he believed they actually were, or even had some left. Not all of them were as lucky as Mei.

So he does it, and doesn't even think about it. He accepts Prax's help, too, lets him tuck kids in like it's his job. He doesn't think about that, either. If he's thinking of anything, it's how relieved he is that Prax didn't have to do the hard thing. Could just be a botanist, a father, a good man. Everything Amos isn't.

He's lying in bed when Prax walks in, grabs him by the front of his jumpsuit, pulls him up to sit. Amos follows easily, a hand curling over Prax's back. ]

Are you okay?

[contorta]

( are you okay?

prax shakes his head. then he nods. smiles. shakes his head again and closes his eyes and drops his head forward, almost far enough down that it rests against amos' shoulder. )

I don't know.

( he doesn't know anything, right now, but amos' presence feels steadying as always. )

I would've shot him.

[tumang]

[ Amos dry-swallows, his hand opening, flat on Prax's back. He breathes through his nose for a moment, trying to think of what to say. Prax isn't that guy, he isn't, but Amos believes he would have done it. ]

I know.

[ He does. But that's not what matters. ]

But you didn't. You don't need that blood on your hands.

[contorta]

( amos' hand flattens out on his back and prax tips forward further, forehead hitting amos' shoulder. it's an awkward position, him folded in half before amos, mostly standing, leaning against the bed frame, holding on. he doesn't even notice. )

Thank you.

( he's not sure what he means. for stopping him? or for shooting strickland in his stead? amos shouldn't have to do that for him, but prax can't help but be impossibly and selfishly glad that he did. )

[tumang]

Don't.

[ It's sincere, and a little biting. Amos did it, he shot Strickland without a single moment of hesitation or remorse, and he would do it, over again, for any of the crew and for Prax in particular. He is a killer, and he won't keep him up at night, but he doesn't want to be thanked for it. ]

You needed to stay clean, for Mei. She needs you to be. I've already got stains all over.

[contorta]

( amos might have stains all over already, but prax also knows that he'd be dead so many times over without amos, that he wouldn't have stayed as sane as he has without amos, that he might have lost faith if not for amos.

he owes amos so much and amos doesn't even realise it.

against amos' shoulder, he shakes his head before pressing it closer. )

You don't understand— you've done so much. ( you're so much more, he means. so much more than only a killer. so much more than stained. )

[tumang]

[ Amos's hand moves up, to Prax's shoulderblade. He knows he's helped Prax stay alive, but he doesn't think he's done that much. ]

Nothing you wouldn't have done yourself.

[ And he entirely believes that, too. ]

Doesn't matter now, anyway. It's done. You've got your little girl back.

[contorta]

I do.

( and he's still shaking, but now he's smiling, too. he's got mei back. she's safe. at least for now, she's safe and she's here. )

I wouldn't have, if not for you. You have to know that.

[tumang]

Holden's the one who found out about Io.

[ Amos would have done anything to get Prax and Mei back together, but he still doesn't think it was thanks to him. He didn't do anything besides make sure Prax stayed alive and could still take care of her.

His hand moves further up, until it's curled around the back of Prax's head. ]

I'm glad, though. I'm glad we got her back. That we got to help you. It was the right thing to do.

[contorta]

( a noise escapes prax, unasked. somewhere between laughter and a groan, something softer, surprise. he thinks about letting himself fall forward, knowing amos would catch him. would hold him up.

he can't keep asking amos to do that. )

Yeah, he did. But without you —

( he can't bring himself to say i would have given up or i wouldn't have made it. )

[tumang]

Hey.

[ Amos pulls Prax's head up to allow them to look at each other, his own eyes serious, intent. ]

Hey. It's done. There's no point in dwelling about what would have happened under different circumstances.

[ He's never been one to do that. He's never been for what if's and branching scenarios. He made a choice, stuck to it, and didn't regret things - apart from Lydia. ]

You won.

[contorta]

( there are things prax doesn't need to overthink or question. anything plant related, he'll know what he's doing and he knows that his choices will make sense, that he's doing the right thing.

ever since ganymede's destruction, he hasn't had that certainty. he's been afloat with nothing to tether him but amos' strength. he shakes his head, lips pressing together for a moment before he repeats, with more emphasis and despite amos' earlier protest: )

Thank you, Amos.

[tumang]

[ This is important to Prax. So, after a moment, eyes unwavering, Amos nods. ]

You're welcome. My pleasure, doc.

[ His hand starts to slip from the back of Prax's head. Surely that was all the doc wanted, right? ]

[contorta]

( prax doesn't know what he wanted, what he came here for. he doesn't remember making the conscious choice to seek amos out; it just happened.

he does know that he misses the warmth of amos' hand at the back of his head almost immediately. )

Is this—

Are you okay?

[tumang]

[ Amos nods, a little smile on his face. He did what he set out to do, and he kept the Doc from getting himself haunted for the rest of his life with the memory of killing a man. Sure, he'll still have nightmares, but not because he what he did. ]

Yeah. I know what I am, Doc, and I know I can use that to help.

[ He pauses, then starts again. ]

I don't care about a lot of people, but I do about you.

[contorta]

( amos is a different kind of man from prax. prax realises that, but he hadn't realised the extent of it until today. not really. but now, he finds himself nodding, his heart both aching and full, heavy with emotion. )

You're a good man, Amos.

[tumang]

[ Prax is - thankfully - stubborn. If he wasn't, Mei wouldn't have had someone to fight for her the way her dad did. It's the kind of shit that matters.

But Amos isn't a good man. ]

I'm not. But I'm trying. You're helping.

[contorta]

( amos has been there, every step of the way. amos has used the horrors he's seen to turn himself into someone who will kill so that others don't have to. who uses the stains on his soul to keep prax's clean.

that is a kind of goodness, isn't it? prax thinks so. )

You are. And I don't know how I am, but if you think so. I'm glad.

( he hesitates, but then tips his head forward again until his forehead meets amos'. )

[tumang]

You can't say that. You don't know what I've done.

[ Strickland was just one. Amos has done so much, the kind of thing that good men don't do. Holden would never have done the things that Amos did, to survive, to keep going, to keep himself moving. He would have found other ways. Amos used to easy way out every time. Get by, or get even. Kill, or get killed.

Amos closes his eyes, jaw clenching. Nowadays, he reserved his violence for those who truly deserved it. To protect his own. He still didn't feel any remorse. ]

What you don't understand is that I don't regret the things I've done. I'd do them again. But these days, I'm trying to be - better. For the Cap'n, for you. But I'm not there yet.

[contorta]

You're trying.

( amos clenches his jaw and it's instinct more than anything that has prax reaching out to touch the hard line of it, the spot where muscle jumped beneath the skin when amos first clenched it. )

I think that's more than a lot of people do.

[tumang]

[ Amos closes his eyes at the touch, surprised. He blinks them back open, turning his head until the corner of his lips catches on the side of Prax's hand. It feels like he's catching on fire and he doesn't know why. ]

I just wanted to do the right thing, for once.

[contorta]

( it's such a small thing. it could be accidental— but nothing amos does feels accidental to prax and his breath catches now at the sensation of amos' lips brushing his hand, if only barely. )

You've been helping me. ( he says after a moment, voice rough. ) When you didn't have to.

[tumang]

[ He could say that, simply, someone had to. That it was the least they could do for him after what he'd done for them. That they owed him.

But it wouldn't be sincere, and Amos isn't much of a liar. ]

I wanted to see you smile. To see you see her again.

[ He'll cherish the memory. ]

[contorta]

( those would be holden's words more than amos'. prax realises they used him, in the beginning— but after what he's seen happen since the destruction of ganymede, he's not sure that means they owe him.

maybe it does. he's still grateful. )

Thank you, Amos.

( his eyes are a little wet. and maybe it's just that today has been such a rollercoaster of emotions, maybe this is a stupid thing, maybe he shouldn't — but he still leans in and presses his lips to amos'. )