[ Amos is already running through the corridors, up ladder after ladder to get to deck 2, and then to the garden. He stops a few steps in, but then joins Prax, gripping his shoulder. ]
Hey. You can't think like this. Mei needs you to believe you'll get to her, and you will. Okay?
( prax isn't actually doing anything in the garden. he's just staring at the plants, eyes not entirely focused. there's so few plants. at least they're healthy — unlike mei.
he glances up for a moment when amos walks in, but only briefly. and then again, when amos grips his shoulders. )
( amos is still and certain, deep and focused. he's a still point when prax feels like he's spinning wildly out of control, his life crumbling down around him, his heart being pulled in this or that direction.
he doesn't know if he can have faith. he doesn't know if he can be what amos is asking him to be. if he's strong enough. but amos is centred, the eye of the storm and prax reaches for him, mirroring amos' grip on his shoulders, tipping forward, stumbling into amos.
his face crumbles, too. )
But what if she's gone? ( and he can't —he thought he'd lost her and then he found he didn't and he wonders if this is his breaking point, the back and forth of it, if his heart will be ripped in two from the motion sooner or later. it isn't the first time he's cried because of mei, for mei, because of her absence and he's so scared for her, he's failed as her father. it isn't the first time, but it is the first time that he presses his face to someone's shoulder and just lets the tears come. )
[ Amos stills, when Prax falls into his arms. For a moment, he just stands there, his hands gripping the jumpsuit at Prax's shoulders, like he's about to pull him off, but then -
Prax is crying, something desperate in the sobs, and Amos. Amos moves his hands, slides them to Prax's back, palms flat over his shoulderblades and one on the back of his head, pulling him close, letting him cry. He leans his head closer, hesitantly, lips just above Prax's ear. He clenches his jaw, his voice soft when he speaks. ]
I need you to be strong, Doc. I need you to believe in her.
( prax barely realises that for a moment, amos might've pulled him off, seemed like he was about it. he barely realises because his fear and sense of loss are too encompassing for him to focus on that kind of thing. it's too much. the thought that mei might've died never knowing that he tried, that she might've been turned into a hybrid, even as a hybrid, she's probably long dead now, that thought makes everything else seem insignificant.
he can't think about anything else right now. he doesn't know how to.
amos is still and strong, voice soft and his hands warm and prax lets himself fall against amos and trust amos to catch him, to hold him up. it wouldn't be so bad if amos didn't, either, but amos doesn't. )
I don't—
( he drags in a ragged breath. ) I don't know if I can. ( right now, he can't. )
[ Amos, for a long time, doesn't say anything. He just holds Prax to him, lets him cry against his shoulder, the side of his face pressed against Prax's hair. It should be an uncomfortably long hug, but Amos is used to uncomfortable, and he doesn't care, right now. Prax needs this and so Amos will provide.
He disagrees, that Prax doesn't think he can keep hoping. He disagrees, and he wants to shake Prax, in a way, remind him what he's fighting for, what he's staying alive for. But Prax is already shaking, feeling too frail under Amos's hands, and it feels - unfair. So he doesn't. Instead, he holds the botanist for a long time, and then, finally: ]
You know how I know you can? Because of this. Because you're so upset about the idea that she might not be well. Because you want her to be safe so much, I know you won't stop fighting. I know you won't.
( it helps. it doesn't solve anything, but it helps a little to let it out. to give an outlet to the desperate fear that's been sitting in his chest, sinking its claws into his heart and his mind and pulling chunks of flesh from him. it doesn't make it go away, but it makes it — smaller. more manageable, maybe.
he doesn't feel judged with amos. amos knows he's felt almost relieved when he thought for sure that mei was dead. that he's a terrible father because he can't fix his little girl's illness, can't offer her the life she should have. amos knows, and amos is still here, holding him, letting him cry.
he doesn't know how long it is until amos speaks again. some time after prax's sobs have turned into hiccups have turned into quiet sniffles. his head hurts, but his chest feels lighter. )
Thank you. ( it's the only thing he can think to say. thank you for believing in him when he can't believe in himself. for thinking that he's stronger than he is. for holding him. for being there.
he can't bring himself to move away from amos just yet, even though he knows he should. )
[ Amos doesn't reply. His fingers tighten against the back of Prax's head, and he just stays here, silent and holding the doc, letting him take his grief out in tears. That's okay. He can cry now. As long as he gets back up and doesn't give up, they will be fine. It's not like Amos doesn't understand having moments of weakness.
He's never been able to afford them himself, but he understands them all the same. The Cap had them regularly, and it didn't make him any less of a leader. Maybe it made him more of one.
Prax thanks him, and Amos doesn't know what to say to that, either. Nothing is probably for the best. And even though he's not crying anymore, Prax isn't moving, the two of them pressed close in a way that Amos is only now realizing - chest and thighs and knees and heads. He takes a deep breath, but he doesn't move away, either. ]
( prax stays there, leaning against amos, letting amos take most of his weight for a while longer. he's not sure how much time passes, really. his head feels strangely empty, his chest lighter now. like he's floating, maybe. the scientific part of his mind tells him that he's probably a little dehydrated, that he should drink something, get some rest.
he draws back eventually, slowly, not quite able to look amos in the eye but not ashamed of how slowly he detangles himself from amos, either. not trying to hide the way he rubs tear stains off his cheeks. )
I should - ( he clears his throat. ) Get some water.
[ Without Amos really thinking about it, his thumb started tracing circles against the back of Prax's head. Little circles, going against his hair, then with it. Prickly, then soft. It keeps him grounded, in the moment, his mind entirely focused on Prax.
When the doc moves back, Amos lets him. He doesn't resist, doesn't draw him back in even though he kinda wants to. He lets him be, looks down at him, his hands falling to rest on top of Prax's shoulders. ]
Yeah. Yeah, okay. [ Amos focuses a little, sniffing. ] You been drinking?
( prax doesn't go far. he stays in amos' orbit because now more than ever, amos really does feel like his gravity, the one thing keeping him stable, keeping him centred.
he nods, slowly. ) With Alex and Naomi. They - ( he glances down. tries for a smile, though it's mostly a grimace. ) They figured I shouldn't hear about it on the network.
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( a pause. then: ) the garden
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[ Amos is already running through the corridors, up ladder after ladder to get to deck 2, and then to the garden. He stops a few steps in, but then joins Prax, gripping his shoulder. ]
Hey. You can't think like this. Mei needs you to believe you'll get to her, and you will. Okay?
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he glances up for a moment when amos walks in, but only briefly. and then again, when amos grips his shoulders. )
If she's already gone, what does it matter?
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You don't know where she is, or how she is. She needs you to have faith. She needs someone in her corner, Doc.
[ If Prax gives up, Amos has no idea what he'll do. ]
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he doesn't know if he can have faith. he doesn't know if he can be what amos is asking him to be. if he's strong enough. but amos is centred, the eye of the storm and prax reaches for him, mirroring amos' grip on his shoulders, tipping forward, stumbling into amos.
his face crumbles, too. )
But what if she's gone? ( and he can't —he thought he'd lost her and then he found he didn't and he wonders if this is his breaking point, the back and forth of it, if his heart will be ripped in two from the motion sooner or later. it isn't the first time he's cried because of mei, for mei, because of her absence and he's so scared for her, he's failed as her father. it isn't the first time, but it is the first time that he presses his face to someone's shoulder and just lets the tears come. )
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Prax is crying, something desperate in the sobs, and Amos. Amos moves his hands, slides them to Prax's back, palms flat over his shoulderblades and one on the back of his head, pulling him close, letting him cry. He leans his head closer, hesitantly, lips just above Prax's ear. He clenches his jaw, his voice soft when he speaks. ]
I need you to be strong, Doc. I need you to believe in her.
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he can't think about anything else right now. he doesn't know how to.
amos is still and strong, voice soft and his hands warm and prax lets himself fall against amos and trust amos to catch him, to hold him up. it wouldn't be so bad if amos didn't, either, but amos doesn't. )
I don't—
( he drags in a ragged breath. ) I don't know if I can. ( right now, he can't. )
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He disagrees, that Prax doesn't think he can keep hoping. He disagrees, and he wants to shake Prax, in a way, remind him what he's fighting for, what he's staying alive for. But Prax is already shaking, feeling too frail under Amos's hands, and it feels - unfair. So he doesn't. Instead, he holds the botanist for a long time, and then, finally: ]
You know how I know you can? Because of this. Because you're so upset about the idea that she might not be well. Because you want her to be safe so much, I know you won't stop fighting. I know you won't.
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he doesn't feel judged with amos. amos knows he's felt almost relieved when he thought for sure that mei was dead. that he's a terrible father because he can't fix his little girl's illness, can't offer her the life she should have. amos knows, and amos is still here, holding him, letting him cry.
he doesn't know how long it is until amos speaks again. some time after prax's sobs have turned into hiccups have turned into quiet sniffles. his head hurts, but his chest feels lighter. )
Thank you. ( it's the only thing he can think to say. thank you for believing in him when he can't believe in himself. for thinking that he's stronger than he is. for holding him. for being there.
he can't bring himself to move away from amos just yet, even though he knows he should. )
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He's never been able to afford them himself, but he understands them all the same. The Cap had them regularly, and it didn't make him any less of a leader. Maybe it made him more of one.
Prax thanks him, and Amos doesn't know what to say to that, either. Nothing is probably for the best. And even though he's not crying anymore, Prax isn't moving, the two of them pressed close in a way that Amos is only now realizing - chest and thighs and knees and heads. He takes a deep breath, but he doesn't move away, either. ]
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he draws back eventually, slowly, not quite able to look amos in the eye but not ashamed of how slowly he detangles himself from amos, either. not trying to hide the way he rubs tear stains off his cheeks. )
I should - ( he clears his throat. ) Get some water.
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When the doc moves back, Amos lets him. He doesn't resist, doesn't draw him back in even though he kinda wants to. He lets him be, looks down at him, his hands falling to rest on top of Prax's shoulders. ]
Yeah. Yeah, okay. [ Amos focuses a little, sniffing. ] You been drinking?
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he nods, slowly. ) With Alex and Naomi. They - ( he glances down. tries for a smile, though it's mostly a grimace. ) They figured I shouldn't hear about it on the network.
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[ Not having a communicator, it took Amos a while to get the message. And then, he'd been in his room, turning it over. He hadn't thought - ]
Sorry. I shoulda been there earlier.
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( prax shakes his head, drifting a little closer to amos again, setting a hand on amos' upper arm. )
I'm glad you're here now.
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I'm not going anywhere, Doc.
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Thank you.