( it helps. it doesn't solve anything, but it helps a little to let it out. to give an outlet to the desperate fear that's been sitting in his chest, sinking its claws into his heart and his mind and pulling chunks of flesh from him. it doesn't make it go away, but it makes it — smaller. more manageable, maybe.
he doesn't feel judged with amos. amos knows he's felt almost relieved when he thought for sure that mei was dead. that he's a terrible father because he can't fix his little girl's illness, can't offer her the life she should have. amos knows, and amos is still here, holding him, letting him cry.
he doesn't know how long it is until amos speaks again. some time after prax's sobs have turned into hiccups have turned into quiet sniffles. his head hurts, but his chest feels lighter. )
Thank you. ( it's the only thing he can think to say. thank you for believing in him when he can't believe in himself. for thinking that he's stronger than he is. for holding him. for being there.
he can't bring himself to move away from amos just yet, even though he knows he should. )
[ Amos doesn't reply. His fingers tighten against the back of Prax's head, and he just stays here, silent and holding the doc, letting him take his grief out in tears. That's okay. He can cry now. As long as he gets back up and doesn't give up, they will be fine. It's not like Amos doesn't understand having moments of weakness.
He's never been able to afford them himself, but he understands them all the same. The Cap had them regularly, and it didn't make him any less of a leader. Maybe it made him more of one.
Prax thanks him, and Amos doesn't know what to say to that, either. Nothing is probably for the best. And even though he's not crying anymore, Prax isn't moving, the two of them pressed close in a way that Amos is only now realizing - chest and thighs and knees and heads. He takes a deep breath, but he doesn't move away, either. ]
( prax stays there, leaning against amos, letting amos take most of his weight for a while longer. he's not sure how much time passes, really. his head feels strangely empty, his chest lighter now. like he's floating, maybe. the scientific part of his mind tells him that he's probably a little dehydrated, that he should drink something, get some rest.
he draws back eventually, slowly, not quite able to look amos in the eye but not ashamed of how slowly he detangles himself from amos, either. not trying to hide the way he rubs tear stains off his cheeks. )
I should - ( he clears his throat. ) Get some water.
[ Without Amos really thinking about it, his thumb started tracing circles against the back of Prax's head. Little circles, going against his hair, then with it. Prickly, then soft. It keeps him grounded, in the moment, his mind entirely focused on Prax.
When the doc moves back, Amos lets him. He doesn't resist, doesn't draw him back in even though he kinda wants to. He lets him be, looks down at him, his hands falling to rest on top of Prax's shoulders. ]
Yeah. Yeah, okay. [ Amos focuses a little, sniffing. ] You been drinking?
( prax doesn't go far. he stays in amos' orbit because now more than ever, amos really does feel like his gravity, the one thing keeping him stable, keeping him centred.
he nods, slowly. ) With Alex and Naomi. They - ( he glances down. tries for a smile, though it's mostly a grimace. ) They figured I shouldn't hear about it on the network.
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he doesn't feel judged with amos. amos knows he's felt almost relieved when he thought for sure that mei was dead. that he's a terrible father because he can't fix his little girl's illness, can't offer her the life she should have. amos knows, and amos is still here, holding him, letting him cry.
he doesn't know how long it is until amos speaks again. some time after prax's sobs have turned into hiccups have turned into quiet sniffles. his head hurts, but his chest feels lighter. )
Thank you. ( it's the only thing he can think to say. thank you for believing in him when he can't believe in himself. for thinking that he's stronger than he is. for holding him. for being there.
he can't bring himself to move away from amos just yet, even though he knows he should. )
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He's never been able to afford them himself, but he understands them all the same. The Cap had them regularly, and it didn't make him any less of a leader. Maybe it made him more of one.
Prax thanks him, and Amos doesn't know what to say to that, either. Nothing is probably for the best. And even though he's not crying anymore, Prax isn't moving, the two of them pressed close in a way that Amos is only now realizing - chest and thighs and knees and heads. He takes a deep breath, but he doesn't move away, either. ]
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he draws back eventually, slowly, not quite able to look amos in the eye but not ashamed of how slowly he detangles himself from amos, either. not trying to hide the way he rubs tear stains off his cheeks. )
I should - ( he clears his throat. ) Get some water.
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When the doc moves back, Amos lets him. He doesn't resist, doesn't draw him back in even though he kinda wants to. He lets him be, looks down at him, his hands falling to rest on top of Prax's shoulders. ]
Yeah. Yeah, okay. [ Amos focuses a little, sniffing. ] You been drinking?
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he nods, slowly. ) With Alex and Naomi. They - ( he glances down. tries for a smile, though it's mostly a grimace. ) They figured I shouldn't hear about it on the network.
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[ Not having a communicator, it took Amos a while to get the message. And then, he'd been in his room, turning it over. He hadn't thought - ]
Sorry. I shoulda been there earlier.
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( prax shakes his head, drifting a little closer to amos again, setting a hand on amos' upper arm. )
I'm glad you're here now.
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I'm not going anywhere, Doc.
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Thank you.