[ Amos lets Alex talk. He knows how much the man loves to talk, after all, while Amos himself isn't exactly good with words, at the best of times. Isn't the best with decisions, either, and going to talk to Alex while he was angry was obviously a mistake. Another one.
He's not going to make Alex stew. But the whole thing, it did make him wonder. ]
You know I didn't mean the coward thing? I mean, I did, because you haven't told your wife you're alive, but when we're out there, and rail guns are out, you're not. You're not a coward.
[ Amos bites the very tip of his lips, lips pinched together. He's not actually hungry, his stomach roiling. ]
You've told me before you don't need, or want, protection. I didn't listen again. I'm sorry.
[ It twisted in his chest, hot and painful, the way it always did when Amos mentioned his family. He found his thumb brushing against his ring finger, trying to fiddle with a ring that wasn't there, and his eyes fell to the floor. ]
... 'pparently I did. [ Lowly. ] Tell her, I mean. [ It was the only way he could say that he actually agreed with Amos. That at least where it came to Talissa, he was definitely a coward. It was why the word had hit so hard. ]
I was - I was going to. After Ganymede. Was plannin' on it. But apparently I did it. [ He sucked in a hard breath and then moved to put the plate down on the desk, unwanted by either party, it's usefulness already passed. It had been the olive branch. It didn't need to be eaten. ]
... Amos, look, I-- [ He cut off, chewing on the words, brow furrowing. ]
It ain't about protectin', not exactly. It's just - [He raised his eyes to meet the other man's.]
We can have each other's backs. Alright? It don't need to be you protecting me. We can work together. There's a lot of people here who really do need our help, and who need protection. I ain't one of them.
I'd take a bullet for you, brother, you know that.
[ Amos's eyes raise up to Alex's, surprised by the words. This whole thing, where the two of them know less about themselves than other people, it's - tough. It makes feel like Amos is part of a game of chess that's already been decided. Checkmate, or something.
He's never been good at chess. ]
Well, shit.
[ Amos is struck a little dumb. ]
You know how she reacted?
[ He looks back down at his hands, rubbing them against each other for a moment, taking in Alex's words. He presses his thumb to the calluses on the inside of his palm. ]
I heard about what you did, and I acted on it. [ He still isn't sure what it was that he felt, really. He trusts Alex, implicitly, but it felt a little like betrayal. ] I just can't -
[ He looks up again, sincere this time, emotions in his eyes, for once. ]
I don't have nuances like you do. If I've got your back, I've got your back on everything. I can't just switch it on and off.
[ He raised his hand, the dark gunmetal ring that usually sat there - even here on Reverie, as his only personal possession that had come with him - was gone. ]
Only one way that was ever gonna go, Amos. [ It was why it'd taken him so long to reach out. If he'd done it earlier, maybe Talissa would have played along a little while longer, but. There was a reason bed thought it would be better, for him to be dead. To have died a hero.
You don't speak ill of the dead.
He lowered his hand again, trying to keep from fidgeting with something that isn't there.
The depth in Amos' gaze wrenched in his chest and he felt immensely guilty, suddenly, for thinking even for a second that the man didn't care about him. ]
I ain't got a death wish, Amos. If I'm in trouble - real trouble - I'll let you know. If I can't handle it, I'll tell you. [ But that wasn't quite enough and he shifted his weight, fidgeting. ]
And I'll do the opposite, too. I won't let you get surprised, again. I shouldn't've in the first place. But if you've got all the info, you don't have to worry as much about making that call, right? If I tell you when I'm alright, then it'll be easier to know when I'm not.
[ He's not sorry about what he did the other day, but he's sorry for Alex's marriage falling apart. Alex had always put so much importance on it, talking it up, carrying that picture around everywhere, wearing his ring even as he fucked prostitutes. Amos thinks he probably needs to hear something like this - some kind of sympathy.
[ He didn't know what he wanted. Sympathy, or to just - never talk about it again. The ring was heavy in his breast pocket, and he did not reach for it.
Amos speaks again and Alex looks almost surprised, because he wanted Amos to trust him - always had - but had assumed that he didn't. Something sharp twisted in his chest.
He reached out, fingertips of his good hand coming to rest lightly on Amos's arm. ]
I'll do better. [ Murmured and low. ] At keepin' it.
[ Amos wasn't entirely sure they were good. He was feeling slightly unsettled - unsure of what his place was, exactly. Of when it was okay to defend Alex, and when it wasn't. It was a balance he didn't know.
But it also wasn't like he was still angry. His anger had dissipated just hours after it had happened, and Amos wasn't exactly a guy to hold grudges. So he nods, looking at Alex again. ]
[ He sounded relieved. He knew it wasn't fixed, exactly - things never quite fixed themselves so much as just grew into something else, but at least they were talking again. He hated not talking to Amos, even when he was mad. Especially here. He liked Bobbie a lot, and Prax was important, but Amos and Naomi had been through everything with him. Holden was gone, but he still had the two of them, and he needed them.
He was pretty sure they all needed each other.
So he'd make it work. Somehow. Keep the family together, whether Amos thought they were a family or not. It didn't really matter what Amos said about it - it was clear, now, that he was trying to make it work, too. To keep it working. Even if Alex sometimes didn't have a clue what it was that he was tryin' to do, he was still tryin'. ]
You know I love you, brother. [ Said like a statement of fact, and not one he expected to hear echoed, or even one he thought would be. Just the truth, with no expectation. He knew better than that. ]
[ Amos couldn't help the way his whole body sagged forward a little bit, like relief, or something close, hitting him straight in the chest. They both knew he wouldn't say the words back, even if he did believe in them, but hearing Alex say them still felt... good, somehow. Like they could get back to normal, at some point. Their own new normal.
Still, instead, he rolls his eyes and pushes at Alex's side. ]
[ It was an acknowledgement and not a denial, and that was enough to pull a relieved grin to his lips. Amos wouldn't hesitate to tell him if he thought he was lying or was wrong, after all. So the tease was an acceptance, and that was all Alex really wanted anyway. So he grins, and takes it as a dismissal on good terms, sliding his good hand into his pocket as he takes a step back. ]
If that's how they're flirtin' with you, Amos, you're already in too deep.
[ He took a step back and hit the door controls. ]
But maybe I'll do that. [ He wouldn't. At least not intentionally. He gave Amos a two fingered salute, then stepped back through the door and let it slide closed as he walked away. ]
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no subject
He's not going to make Alex stew. But the whole thing, it did make him wonder. ]
You know I didn't mean the coward thing? I mean, I did, because you haven't told your wife you're alive, but when we're out there, and rail guns are out, you're not. You're not a coward.
[ Amos bites the very tip of his lips, lips pinched together. He's not actually hungry, his stomach roiling. ]
You've told me before you don't need, or want, protection. I didn't listen again. I'm sorry.
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... 'pparently I did. [ Lowly. ] Tell her, I mean. [ It was the only way he could say that he actually agreed with Amos. That at least where it came to Talissa, he was definitely a coward. It was why the word had hit so hard. ]
I was - I was going to. After Ganymede. Was plannin' on it. But apparently I did it. [ He sucked in a hard breath and then moved to put the plate down on the desk, unwanted by either party, it's usefulness already passed. It had been the olive branch. It didn't need to be eaten. ]
... Amos, look, I-- [ He cut off, chewing on the words, brow furrowing. ]
It ain't about protectin', not exactly. It's just - [He raised his eyes to meet the other man's.]
We can have each other's backs. Alright? It don't need to be you protecting me. We can work together. There's a lot of people here who really do need our help, and who need protection. I ain't one of them.
I'd take a bullet for you, brother, you know that.
no subject
He's never been good at chess. ]
Well, shit.
[ Amos is struck a little dumb. ]
You know how she reacted?
[ He looks back down at his hands, rubbing them against each other for a moment, taking in Alex's words. He presses his thumb to the calluses on the inside of his palm. ]
I heard about what you did, and I acted on it. [ He still isn't sure what it was that he felt, really. He trusts Alex, implicitly, but it felt a little like betrayal. ] I just can't -
[ He looks up again, sincere this time, emotions in his eyes, for once. ]
I don't have nuances like you do. If I've got your back, I've got your back on everything. I can't just switch it on and off.
no subject
Only one way that was ever gonna go, Amos. [ It was why it'd taken him so long to reach out. If he'd done it earlier, maybe Talissa would have played along a little while longer, but. There was a reason bed thought it would be better, for him to be dead. To have died a hero.
You don't speak ill of the dead.
He lowered his hand again, trying to keep from fidgeting with something that isn't there.
The depth in Amos' gaze wrenched in his chest and he felt immensely guilty, suddenly, for thinking even for a second that the man didn't care about him. ]
I ain't got a death wish, Amos. If I'm in trouble - real trouble - I'll let you know. If I can't handle it, I'll tell you. [ But that wasn't quite enough and he shifted his weight, fidgeting. ]
And I'll do the opposite, too. I won't let you get surprised, again. I shouldn't've in the first place. But if you've got all the info, you don't have to worry as much about making that call, right? If I tell you when I'm alright, then it'll be easier to know when I'm not.
no subject
[ He's not sorry about what he did the other day, but he's sorry for Alex's marriage falling apart. Alex had always put so much importance on it, talking it up, carrying that picture around everywhere, wearing his ring even as he fucked prostitutes. Amos thinks he probably needs to hear something like this - some kind of sympathy.
Amos takes a breath. ]
I trust you, you know?
[ That's why it hurt. ]
no subject
Amos speaks again and Alex looks almost surprised, because he wanted Amos to trust him - always had - but had assumed that he didn't. Something sharp twisted in his chest.
He reached out, fingertips of his good hand coming to rest lightly on Amos's arm. ]
I'll do better. [ Murmured and low. ] At keepin' it.
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Sorry I punched out your wall.
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Eh, not like the wall got hurt.
[ It had spooked him a little, sure - but it was a thousand steps up from being dangled over a stairwell. And Alex could see the difference. ]
We good?
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But it also wasn't like he was still angry. His anger had dissipated just hours after it had happened, and Amos wasn't exactly a guy to hold grudges. So he nods, looking at Alex again. ]
We're good.
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[ He sounded relieved. He knew it wasn't fixed, exactly - things never quite fixed themselves so much as just grew into something else, but at least they were talking again. He hated not talking to Amos, even when he was mad. Especially here. He liked Bobbie a lot, and Prax was important, but Amos and Naomi had been through everything with him. Holden was gone, but he still had the two of them, and he needed them.
He was pretty sure they all needed each other.
So he'd make it work. Somehow. Keep the family together, whether Amos thought they were a family or not. It didn't really matter what Amos said about it - it was clear, now, that he was trying to make it work, too. To keep it working. Even if Alex sometimes didn't have a clue what it was that he was tryin' to do, he was still tryin'. ]
You know I love you, brother. [ Said like a statement of fact, and not one he expected to hear echoed, or even one he thought would be. Just the truth, with no expectation. He knew better than that. ]
no subject
Still, instead, he rolls his eyes and pushes at Alex's side. ]
Go flirt with someone else, sailor.
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If that's how they're flirtin' with you, Amos, you're already in too deep.
[ He took a step back and hit the door controls. ]
But maybe I'll do that. [ He wouldn't. At least not intentionally. He gave Amos a two fingered salute, then stepped back through the door and let it slide closed as he walked away. ]