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The last - hell, I don't know, since the incident, I guess - I completely forgot the Rocinante.
Not you guys. Not Eros. Or anything we did. But I couldn't remember the Roci. Like a black hole in my head any time I tried thinkin' about how we actually got anywhere.
Not you guys. Not Eros. Or anything we did. But I couldn't remember the Roci. Like a black hole in my head any time I tried thinkin' about how we actually got anywhere.
( amos is goal-oriented, but there's space for things like sex in the downtime, in those moments he can't sleep. for prax, he can barely make himself think of anything but mei. the only thing that really works is plants, trying to get the air filtration system properly set up, trying to figure out the precise needs of the plant on this station. )
All right. ( he nods, not quite willing to call frank an asshole because he likes frank! but not disagreeing entirely, either. )
All right. ( he nods, not quite willing to call frank an asshole because he likes frank! but not disagreeing entirely, either. )
( prax barely realises that for a moment, amos might've pulled him off, seemed like he was about it. he barely realises because his fear and sense of loss are too encompassing for him to focus on that kind of thing. it's too much. the thought that mei might've died never knowing that he tried, that she might've been turned into a hybrid, even as a hybrid, she's probably long dead now, that thought makes everything else seem insignificant.
he can't think about anything else right now. he doesn't know how to.
amos is still and strong, voice soft and his hands warm and prax lets himself fall against amos and trust amos to catch him, to hold him up. it wouldn't be so bad if amos didn't, either, but amos doesn't. )
I don't—
( he drags in a ragged breath. ) I don't know if I can. ( right now, he can't. )
he can't think about anything else right now. he doesn't know how to.
amos is still and strong, voice soft and his hands warm and prax lets himself fall against amos and trust amos to catch him, to hold him up. it wouldn't be so bad if amos didn't, either, but amos doesn't. )
I don't—
( he drags in a ragged breath. ) I don't know if I can. ( right now, he can't. )
For the record: leaving someone you knocked unconscious in their room alone with their dog is a terrible thing to do to not only to them, but the person who finds them later. If you're going to beat people up, at least have the decency to call for help afterward.
[ Amos nods, mouth twisted. He doesn't want to assume it's because of Alex running his mouth, but the guy sometimes talks just too much. However, Amos believes him, and trusts him. ]
So he's just delusional, then. That's good to know, when I'm wondering about who can have my back in a fight.
[ Not Frank. Alex might trust the guy, himself, but Amos is not about to. ]
So he's just delusional, then. That's good to know, when I'm wondering about who can have my back in a fight.
[ Not Frank. Alex might trust the guy, himself, but Amos is not about to. ]
I'd never.
[ He takes the helmet, looking into it himself, checking out that the HUD looks all clear, which it is. He disconnects the sensors now that she's not wearing it anymore. ]
But if you bring it to another engineer I will totally have a breakdown about it.
[ He takes the helmet, looking into it himself, checking out that the HUD looks all clear, which it is. He disconnects the sensors now that she's not wearing it anymore. ]
But if you bring it to another engineer I will totally have a breakdown about it.
This place is definitely one for the god damn record books.
I mean, I'm glad I remember. But no. I ain't happy. I'm creeped the hell out.
I ain't gonna be happy till we find her and get the hell outta here.
I mean, I'm glad I remember. But no. I ain't happy. I'm creeped the hell out.
I ain't gonna be happy till we find her and get the hell outta here.
[ That's -
Amos wouldn't mind being a further distraction, for Prax. But he can't say it. It's not right. He's not come to terms with it himself, only realizing very recently that maybe, maybe, he was different around Prax.
It's not the kind of person he can be for Prax. Not only the doctor would never see him this way, but it's also - no. Prax deserves better than this. ]
Yeah. Anyway. Doesn't matter. Doesn't change what we're here to do. If he wants to gossip, that's his prerogative, but I've got better things to do.
Amos wouldn't mind being a further distraction, for Prax. But he can't say it. It's not right. He's not come to terms with it himself, only realizing very recently that maybe, maybe, he was different around Prax.
It's not the kind of person he can be for Prax. Not only the doctor would never see him this way, but it's also - no. Prax deserves better than this. ]
Yeah. Anyway. Doesn't matter. Doesn't change what we're here to do. If he wants to gossip, that's his prerogative, but I've got better things to do.
[ Amos, for a long time, doesn't say anything. He just holds Prax to him, lets him cry against his shoulder, the side of his face pressed against Prax's hair. It should be an uncomfortably long hug, but Amos is used to uncomfortable, and he doesn't care, right now. Prax needs this and so Amos will provide.
He disagrees, that Prax doesn't think he can keep hoping. He disagrees, and he wants to shake Prax, in a way, remind him what he's fighting for, what he's staying alive for. But Prax is already shaking, feeling too frail under Amos's hands, and it feels - unfair. So he doesn't. Instead, he holds the botanist for a long time, and then, finally: ]
You know how I know you can? Because of this. Because you're so upset about the idea that she might not be well. Because you want her to be safe so much, I know you won't stop fighting. I know you won't.
He disagrees, that Prax doesn't think he can keep hoping. He disagrees, and he wants to shake Prax, in a way, remind him what he's fighting for, what he's staying alive for. But Prax is already shaking, feeling too frail under Amos's hands, and it feels - unfair. So he doesn't. Instead, he holds the botanist for a long time, and then, finally: ]
You know how I know you can? Because of this. Because you're so upset about the idea that she might not be well. Because you want her to be safe so much, I know you won't stop fighting. I know you won't.
( it helps. it doesn't solve anything, but it helps a little to let it out. to give an outlet to the desperate fear that's been sitting in his chest, sinking its claws into his heart and his mind and pulling chunks of flesh from him. it doesn't make it go away, but it makes it — smaller. more manageable, maybe.
he doesn't feel judged with amos. amos knows he's felt almost relieved when he thought for sure that mei was dead. that he's a terrible father because he can't fix his little girl's illness, can't offer her the life she should have. amos knows, and amos is still here, holding him, letting him cry.
he doesn't know how long it is until amos speaks again. some time after prax's sobs have turned into hiccups have turned into quiet sniffles. his head hurts, but his chest feels lighter. )
Thank you. ( it's the only thing he can think to say. thank you for believing in him when he can't believe in himself. for thinking that he's stronger than he is. for holding him. for being there.
he can't bring himself to move away from amos just yet, even though he knows he should. )
he doesn't feel judged with amos. amos knows he's felt almost relieved when he thought for sure that mei was dead. that he's a terrible father because he can't fix his little girl's illness, can't offer her the life she should have. amos knows, and amos is still here, holding him, letting him cry.
he doesn't know how long it is until amos speaks again. some time after prax's sobs have turned into hiccups have turned into quiet sniffles. his head hurts, but his chest feels lighter. )
Thank you. ( it's the only thing he can think to say. thank you for believing in him when he can't believe in himself. for thinking that he's stronger than he is. for holding him. for being there.
he can't bring himself to move away from amos just yet, even though he knows he should. )
I ain't comparing them, Amos. But that's when I forgot, too. You don't think that's creepy?
At this point, Brother, I'll take living on the Roci in orbit over this god damn station.
The Roci ain't ever tried to kill me.
At this point, Brother, I'll take living on the Roci in orbit over this god damn station.
The Roci ain't ever tried to kill me.
[ He sighed. It wasn't delusional - far from. Amos's affection for Prax was a lot more obvious than the man seemed to realise.
But that also - really wasn't something he was going to argue, right now. ]
I'll talk to him. Just - if he's an idiot again, let me know, alright?
But that also - really wasn't something he was going to argue, right now. ]
I'll talk to him. Just - if he's an idiot again, let me know, alright?
[ Amos doesn't reply. His fingers tighten against the back of Prax's head, and he just stays here, silent and holding the doc, letting him take his grief out in tears. That's okay. He can cry now. As long as he gets back up and doesn't give up, they will be fine. It's not like Amos doesn't understand having moments of weakness.
He's never been able to afford them himself, but he understands them all the same. The Cap had them regularly, and it didn't make him any less of a leader. Maybe it made him more of one.
Prax thanks him, and Amos doesn't know what to say to that, either. Nothing is probably for the best. And even though he's not crying anymore, Prax isn't moving, the two of them pressed close in a way that Amos is only now realizing - chest and thighs and knees and heads. He takes a deep breath, but he doesn't move away, either. ]
He's never been able to afford them himself, but he understands them all the same. The Cap had them regularly, and it didn't make him any less of a leader. Maybe it made him more of one.
Prax thanks him, and Amos doesn't know what to say to that, either. Nothing is probably for the best. And even though he's not crying anymore, Prax isn't moving, the two of them pressed close in a way that Amos is only now realizing - chest and thighs and knees and heads. He takes a deep breath, but he doesn't move away, either. ]
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